For Brand Engagement, Visuals RuleDuchess: [Sighing] I understand perfectly,Monsieur O'Malley, sir. Edgar Balthazar: Careful, sir. [Dives off the bedpost and bounces off the ball with his helmet]. O'Malley runs and Edgar chases him. Frogs: [singing] There's so much to say, but we have all day. [chuckling] Just like you say, Thomas. A family walks in to a talent agency. Just we two. The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offscreen]Careful, Toulouse! Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? A talent agent is sitting in his office, Gottfried says. If we're going to Paris ourselves, why don't youjoin us? [Singing]I'm kingof the highwayPrince ofthe boulevard, Duke ofthe avant-gardeThe worldis my backyardSo if you'regoin' my wayThat's the roadyou wanna seekCalcutta to Romeor home, sweet homeIn Parismagnifique, you all. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. I'm not at home at all. IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." They're too cutesy." Kittens! ". Let's move, move, move! You never miss. Tsk! Will. He tears himself free and forces the door open and falls over backwards. The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies. [offscreen] Now stop beatin'your gums and sound the attack! Toulouse:[offscreen]I told ya it was Edgar. Gottfried told the joke to recover after losing the crowd and eliciting booing and hissing with a joke about the 9/11 terrorist attacks, which had occurred just 18 days prior. Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. Cheer up. Mark Elliott: Coming to video. WebThe Aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Come here, my darlings. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, another ringer, sir. [Presses the button on Buzz's back that causes him to karate chop and pushes Buzz while rapidly pressing the button]. This family, mother, father, four kids. It's like a hemorrhaging sh*t-ass. What do you think? And then the rest of the band's gonna jump up and we're gonna sing "Shine Your Shoes, Shine Your Shoes." He hit me on the head. (2x). Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, Edgar, they're back! He then describes a Hieronymus Boschlike tableau of torture. Come on. Frogs: [singing] Needeep, croak, ribbit, croak, needeep. Toulouse: Hey, guys. Buzz Lightyear: To infinity. This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors and comedians retelling their versions of the joke, as well as shedding some light on its origins. Lafayette:Okay,man, let's charge. It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway Bob Saget: - as nothing more than a hole. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. [onscreen]Tell him O'Malley sent youand you won't have a bit of trouble. ln trouble! Then we see a picture of Walt Disney]. Buzz Lightyear: Hey! Ah, Georges. THE ARISTOCRATS, Gilbert Gottfried, telling the joke, 2005. [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. Two cats throw a harness from the hay loft, encircling him. WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. Only for those aged 17 and older. Abigail: [offscreen]Fancy that, a cat learning how to swim. Well, there it is. It's just beyondthat next chimney pot. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. I'm gonna call it The Aristocrats. Billy Boss: Ha-ha! Which pets get to sleep on velvet mats? [As the black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video logo appears, the "Winnie the Pooh" theme cues up. Esmeralda: Well, you're not hurt, are you? I'm outta here! The work of a genius. And I always throw in that. After the performance, the talent agent asks them just what the hell their act was supposed to be, to which they respond, "The Aristocrats!" All Rights reserved. Because no one is gonna book this show! The Muppets are hitting the high seas Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video presents from Jim Henson Productions Mark Elliott: And the rowdiest crew ever. Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. Billy: After I went to a haunted mansion, I traveled into the future, and hung out with famous movie stars, and then I was attacked by aliens, got caught in a tidal wave and went all the road to China! WebAristocrats Joke [OFFENSIVE] Brandon Rogers Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago My take on the age-old Aristocrats joke. And the agent's like, "What do you do?" [Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." Ho, ho, ho! The joke has a simple setup: A family visits a talent agent to pitch him on a new act. Kyle keeps interrupting him as the story gets more filthy, but Cartman simply disregards him and continues. T. Sean Shannon: Three women of color, they go into this agent's office. Berlioz: [Yelps, Needle Scratching,Music Slows]. Roquefort:[ Breathing Hard ]No trouble, he said. But we've got to hurry. O'Malley: Duchess, this isthe greatest cat of'em all: Scat Cat. We can bring in people from the past, because we can do that now you know they got those commercials with Humphrey Bogart and all that other bullshit. Scat Cat: That's it, cats, come on let's do this for more! And he says, "The Osbournes.". Now, now, my darlings. with the starsas our guide. Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? Duchess:Because of our owner. [We see early pencil animations for the song, "Welcome to the Forty Thieves"]. Duchess:Oh, Thomas, Thomas,that would be wonderful. Neighborhood! John Leader: He created a motion picture based on a story that held a special place in his heart. [Screaming][Coughing]. Get out! She's a real sexy nine-year-old. Here I come! WhyEdgar? Kyle?! And we were all ridingand bouncing along--. Gee, I'm cold and I'm w-wet. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. Woody: [Walks to an alien and picks it up] Hello. And poor Madamedidn't sleep a wink either. Napoleon: Mm-mm. [Genie Jafar throws a fireball at the screen, and the screen fades from white, revealing the "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves" logo] "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves". Duchess! Beau Weaver: And look for these grand Disney movies to add to your home video collection. ", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". Berlioz [offscreen] I wish we were homewith Madame right now. [Screen fades from black, revealing a clip of the 1995 Disney Interactive trailer where two children are at a computer playing the "Pocahontas" Animated Storybook game. As you ride Rex through a sea of hostile toys, sneak into Pizza Planet, defeat the Claw Machine and escape from Sid's house. Oh! Mm. And since it is a kids joke, i highly doubt it is a nonsensical joke (e.g. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the aristocrats. You remember him,of course. The Aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? He eats stuff off her face. And aristocatic flair in whatthey do and what they say. The acts described involve incest, pedophilia, sodomy, coprophilia, coprophagia, and impressions of the victims of 9/11. Marie: Ooh, that would be wonderful, sir! Ooh! His name is O'Toole. [ Forced Chuckle ]Every time. It's just, "Here we go, "folks. [Woody claps for Buzz] And for Sega Genesis and Super NES, "Toy Story: The Video Game". Marie: Ladies do not start fights, Buster, but they can finish them. Berlioz: Mama, do we have towaddle like they do? I can't wait. All of them dollars. Amelia: Sir. Hey, now the squeakin'has stopped. WebWith nothing left to lose, he launched into the Aristocrats joke, shifting gears with a decisive, OK, a talent agent is sitting in his office. He goes on for nine minutes and 50 Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. WebPolice have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. Whoa! Madame isexpecting you, sir. Duchess:Oh! You don't know the way! [Chuckling][Giggling, Groaning]Mm-mm. Abigail,Amelia & Uncle Waldo: [ Laughing ]. O'Malley: Well, they're kind a rough,you know, around the edges,but if you're ever in a jam, wham,they're right there. It slides out of the stable as a truck pulls up]. Napoleon:Now this is no timeto turn chicken. ' This is a family who are raping their own children and performing bestiality. You know, they make the morningradiant and light. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughs]Oh, Georges! Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? Frou-Frou grabs Edgar by the jacket. O'Malley: Aloha. They show aristocatic bearing. Ow! Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! AND BAM! He rips off his wife's bra. 4:04. Sounds like a gangof swinging hep cats. Andy's birthday festival's been movedto today. Last oneup the stairs is a nincompoop. You are a great talent. Well. They'll be gone. [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. It's just, "Here we go folks.". They shriek high-pitched until we fade to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo]. I simplywish to have the cats inherit first. One squeakywheelon the front, it sounds like. [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous O'Malley: Duchess, If I can live with you, will you marry me? Duchess: Oh! He was like our rehearsal director when dad and my brother weren't there, and my mother and my nana weren't there. Duchess:Very good, darling. Groove it, cat! [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips of "Aladdin" and "Aladdin 2" are shown]. But that's a whole other story. Edgar Balthazar: [Shoes Squeaking] If I were those mongrels, where would I find my stuff? Then, at the endof their life span,my entire estatewill revert to Edgar. Oh! [Laughing]. Duchess:[offscreen]His name is O'Malley. And the talent agent says, What do you call yourselves? And the father sticks his chest out and goes, The Aristocrats. Abigail:We're not chickens. Beau Weaver: And here's what's new from Disney Interactive. [offscreen]Ah. Oh, and, Edgar, I'm expectingmy attorney, Georges Hautecourt. Why didnt he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants and saying, This is totally wrong. I heard them! Frou-Frou: [ Chuckles ]You're quite welcome, young man. Big Man O'Malleyis back in his alley. I'm the leader. YOU HAVE OUTSTRETCHED YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT, ON MAKING IT AS HORRIFIC AS YOU CAN. Let them in! O'Malley: Of course not. Let's be nice to our new friends. O'Malley needs help! O'Malley: Well, that's a long way off,so we better get moving. We're on holiday. Napoleon: What was that? Duchess: [Laughing]Oh, darling. You have Roquefort:Duchess! [Laughing]Aren't you proud of me? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now don't move. Edgar Balthazar: Whoa, Frou-Frou, whoa. Berlioz:Hooray, we're home! O'Malley: Well, of course. And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. He sneaked upbehind me and tailgated me. Look out for Edgar! [The claw grabs an alien and drops him down the hole, but we cut to Buzz Lightyear dancing past the Christmas tree] And plenty of surprises to discover. Now, just a few dunks. Okay. Say "cheese. Helpingbeautiful dame--uh, damsels in distressis my specialty. Duchess:[offscreen]Berlioz, shh! Scratch one butler. O'Malley:But-- But your owner is--Well, she's justanother human. Andy Dick: I come out, dressed as Hitler in crotchless panties. Mark Elliott: And take part in the wedding of the century. Amelia: Abigail, we were bornwith flat feet. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. Mark Elliott: With it's all-new 37th animated motion picture! WebComedians don't tell jokes. Lafayette: I'm scratchin'as fast as I can. It's not exactly the Ritz,but it's peaceful and quiet. Lafayette:Well, he didn't hurt me. Birds of a feathermust [ Hic ] together. Berlioz:[offscreen]He's sure glad to see us. Girls. [Tearing]Oh drat! Poor Madame. Duchess: Now, now, Toulouse. [Hugo keeps spitting as Victor now comes to life]. Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. O'Malley: Well, some humansare like that, Duchess. But it is notquite Shakespeare. Marie: Mama,l guess I had a nightmareand fell out of bed. Frou-Frou neighs. I-l mean, eat--Eat well, of course. I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. Berlioz: [sighs] It's really hard to pronounce your name, man. Wendy Liebman: It's a family, the Cavanaugh's - Ann and William. O'Malley: Oh, thank you. [ Grunting ]Hey! Come on. Edgar Balthazar: Great. Startmentioning name, rodent. Georges Hautecourt: [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[ Humming ]Oh. Step on the gas, Napoleon! Duchess: You know something,Thomas, your friends arereally delightful. Hurry, hurry! Billy Boss: So? Mark Elliott: "Muppet Treasure Island". Next SMASH FLIX. Lil' Rush Beautiful. Stocks and bonds? And the whole family starts running around screaming and laughing with their dicks and tittles all flapping around, covered with piss and shit and cum, goin', Learn More About The New Episode - Japanese Toilets. Anything could happento them on a night like this weather! We gotta split! Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. We're just a pairof sentimental old fools. And that! I'm tryin'to get to shore. [onscreen]The baggage truck willbe here any moment now. They're the startof my new foundation. It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001. https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_144090, https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_quotes_144090. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". That's better. Edgar, old chap, get used tothe finer things of life. Andy Richter: Then I move my wiener back and forth, until stuff shoots out. Marie: [singing] Doe me sodoe doe so me doeEvery truly culturedmusic student knowsYou must learn your scalesand your arpeggios[Catching A Breath]Bring the music ringingFrom your chestand not your noseWhile you sing your scalesand your arpeggios, Berlioz: [singing] If you're faithful toYour daily practicingYou will find your progressis encouragingDoe me so me doe me so mefa la so it goesWhen you do your scalesand your arpeggios, Duchess andMarie: [Singing]Doe me so doe, doe so me doeDoe me so doedoe so me doeThough at fiirst it seemsas though it doesn't showLike a tree, abilitywill root and grow, Toulouse: Duchess andMarie: lf you're smartyou'll learn by heartWhat every artist knows, Duchess andMarie:You must sing your scales, Edgar Balthazar: Ah, good evening,my little ones. WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but Mark Elliott: With the click of the mouse, you bring the story to life! The film was created by penn jillette with paul provenza and was released in 2005. Art treasures,jewels and--. Although the talent agent initially brushes them off as too 'cutesy', he is eventually persuaded to allow them to show him their act. Hey! O'Malley jumps into the trunk]. They're in the trunk! Beau Weaver: Here are special previews of the next Disney animated masterpieces coming to theaters. Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! Mark Elliott: But a band of notorious thieves. 4:39. Here we go. Gee! [A cat drops a bale of hay onto Edgar. Edgar Balthazar:Coming, Madame! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Come along, Duchess. O'Malley: No, no. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Now I'll never get my hat Plan B. Napoleon: Ooh, whoo, heh. Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. Duchess: Please, girls. Scat Cat:Mousy, you just struck out. Abigail: Yes. Mark Elliott: "Toy Story". Joe Franklin: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle! I'll take careof you later. So the talent agent says, "All right, you've got two minutes." It does look hopeless,doesn't it? I say, that's not at all bad. Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? She will be so worriedwhen she finds us gone. Answer me please. I can walk into NBC tomorrow and say I have a dysfunctional family idea. She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello. Clopin and Chorus: [singing] BellsofNotreDame! But it's really nice to have introductions. It's from Carmen,isn't it? How did they develop this act? And Ann suggests that they all go into the drawing room, where Ann then braids Betsy's beautiful blonde hair. 0:55. Ooh, ooh, ooh! What made them think that this this was entertaining? It's "Roquefort". Georges Hautecourt: You haven't got an extra foot,have you, Edgar? Lafayette:Oh, but Napoleon, we done bitsix tires today. So much likeour own dear England. I, me, after-- No. Which pets are blessed withthe fairest forms and faces? In all our days,in tender ways,her love for uswas shown. And, Berlioz,well, such behaviouris most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" He bit my finger! For a walking tourof France. Steady, girl. Now, you go for the tires, Laffy and I'll goright for the seat of the problem. [Humming TuneFrom Carmen]. We're on our way to Paris. That this one rudimentary joke could be done so many different ways and in different styles. Buzz's suit glows a bright green light]. He's been hereall the time. Whoo-whoo! What's all the whis--whispering about, huh? Amelia: You will never learn to swim properlywith that willow branch in your mouth. Hugo, Victor and Laverne: [singing] A guy like you! Cartman: You guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me? Roquefort:You're darn tootin'I'm on the level! Send us a tip using our anonymous form. Where did these people find employment! SUBTITULOS ESPAOL [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? I've only got one. So dysfunctional, it defies description. Which pets are knownto never show their claws? [The movie logo appears] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". Hop aboard the motorcycle. Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. Whew! Georges Hautecourt: Will, eh? After it! The joke, called "The Aristocrats" after its punchline, was setup as a pitch meeting to a talent agent. I'm afraid it was justthe imagination of an old lady. Shun Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young[ Laughing ]Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one! It's a mother, father, their son and daughter, and a little baby. Berlioz: Andyou said we're gonnaride on your magic carpet. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. George carlin shares his version of the aristocrats joke. sporkythespaz. Go on! So if you would be just so kind. Let's see. Uhoh, yes. Please,you must stop that. And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." Jon Stewart: Um Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down. Yes! Lafayette: I'll see ya in the morning,Napoleon. Upward and onward! Aristocats are never found in alley The Aristocats! O'Malley:Yeah, honey. Edgar Balthazar: Ah, good day, sir. Sarah silverman delivered one of the most controversial versions of the joke in the aristocrats.after an emotionally. More details are available in the progress report. Where did the blood come from? O'Malley:Okay. A family walks in to a talent agency. I'll see ya down stream. A man goes into a bar and says to the owner. Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. It's time to get rid of these cats all the way to Timbuktu once and for all. Frou-Frou: Oh, Roquefort, I've beenso worried about you. Thomas is, a dear friend of ours. Thank goodness you're safe! Georges Hautecourt: Now, then, madame, who arethe beneficiaries? Afraid,I guessyou know best,and I'm gonnamiss you, baby. Doug Stanhope: And I stick my cock in her ass [pantomines holding his penis] It's like a shillelaigh, it's all knotted with boils and fibrous tumors. Toulouse: I was havinga funny dream. Kittens? Ooh, it's them shoes again. O'Malley: So I got a few to spare. Ow! Dana Gould: It's the perfect joke. Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. It says here. And I come after the cats. Woody: [Shakes Buzz's head] You're a toy! [Screaming]Yeow! That ain't. O'Malley: Hey, Scat Cat, dude! O'Malley:Well, now, wait a minute. We British liketo keep things proper. Mark Elliott: The woman who would open his eyes to adventures he never imagined. 17 WebThe Aristocrats (2005) "The joke leads me down one path" | and then it switches the path on me suddenly, and it hits me with a hammer. Go! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Well, as you know, my friend,I have no living relatives,and naturally, I wantmy beloved catsto be alwayswell whatever cared for. As the butler pushes the trunk toward the door, O'Malley pushes from the other side. Napoleon: You can just be replaced,you know. (2x)[Coughing]Hey! The husband, he plays chess with Timmy - and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. [Metro TrainWhistle Blowing] Oh no, train! Bye. Bonsoir! Scat Cat: [ Chuckling ] Say! [offscreen]Berlioz, here we are. Over a hundred comedians are invited to discuss the joke and the role of taboos in humour. Alright? [offscreen]Duchess and the kittensare in trouble! For those who are new and are wondering about why this was necessary, read the shift in editing starting March 1st blog. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents an all-new animated motion picture event. It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously. I'll bet you're a real tigerin your neighborhood. That's 'causeI practice all the time. Berlioz:We were just practicingbiting and clawing. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. O'Malley: [Gasping] Help? Nice goin; Toulouse. You are most fortunatewe happened along. Uh-oh. South Park - The Aristocrats Joke. Heel, roll over, play dead! Just back away from me. Duchess: Oh, I'm so sorry, but,well, we just couldn't. Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses. Oh, please! Why, I'll, I'll eatmy hat if they-- My hat! Lafayette: Hey, Napoleon! Obviously a philanderer who trifleswith unsuspecting women's hearts. Come on, guys. Evening, Edgar. I'll be gone. There's always something new and emotional from Disney. My complimentsto the chef. When you lift something it better be a cock. Right off your cuff. Get-- Get washed downa storm drain. Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? The- this family walks into a talent agency. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke.
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aristocrats joke script
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